28 days to graduation

sometimes i have trouble with myself. i get confused. i see myself in two ways;
i am pretty happy with my body. sure, i have a little too much on my stomach, but i'm not fat.. just a little bit shubby. atleast i have great legs!
i think that i am a strong person who has great grades in school, dispite my depression and i am happy that i. have made it through school without any help from my teachers.
over all, i think i am a good person.

other days i see myself as fat, ugly and awful. i tell myself to stop eating, and just allow myself to drink tea or coffe. i try to powerwalk everyday to get slim and i get extremly tired when i abuse my body like that.
i get angry with myself for not having the highest grade in every subject and i curse myself for not seeing my siblings more often.
i hate myself every time i eat and i hate myself for not loosing weight.

this thoughts can switch from day to day and it is exhausting!

i want to be able to relax. i want to have more time to spend on my hobbys. i want to see every part of the world and travel to every single country. i want to work with so many different things and i want to do so much.
i wish i had time to just lye on the floor, light candles and listen to music. i want to have the time to read books, without feeling stressed. i want to have more time to spend sewing, painting and scrapbooking. i want to have more time photographing and designing clothes.
i want to be able to do things that i love, without feeling stressed.. but i dont know if that's ever gonna happen. i hope so. there are so many things i want to do and i have so many dreams and plans.

i hope i'm going to look back at my life and be satisfied, when i'm old.